amylynnhines

11:39 am: Spoons
My husband introduced me to spoon theory.  It makes complete sense to me.  Problem is, I haven't yet figured out how to stop using up all my spoons before the day is done.  I keep borrowing into the next days spoons...if that's even possible.   On the days after I overdo it, I have less spoons the next day, so I end up borrowing the next days, and it just goes downhill from there until I have a day where I do very little that requires movement (no shower, no exercise, as little standing and walking as possible) so I can catch up again.  There is just too much to do and not enough spoons, and I haven't worked out how to do this yet.  I get so frustrated that I have had to give up so many things that I enjoy, and I get so depressed, which just makes everything worse. 

Here's the link if anyone hasn't heard of spoon theory:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

I'm back in the neverending cycle I've been in for the last 15 years (or bascially since 3rd grade if you factor in the allergies and chronic bronchitis I had growing up and substitue can't breathe for pain).  I try to lose weight by exercising.  which increases my pain.  which makes it harder for me to do anything. which makes me stop exercising, and makes other things more difficult as well.  which makes me depressed.  which makes me care less.  which makes it difficult to stick to a diet.  which means instead of losing weight, I gain more weight.  I'm thinking of getting lap band surgery to help, because this is obviously NOT working. 

I am SO SICK of every doctor I see (and there are a lot of them) telling me that I need to lose weight because losing weight will help decrease my pain.  In order to lose weight, I need to be able to exercise.  My pain keeps me from exercising (unless that's the only thing I want to do that day).  So tell me, docs...how exactly do you expect me to lose weight to decrease the pain I can't exercise because of the pain?!?  Diet is not the answer.  I eat pretty healthily.  I eat all the "right" kinds of food.  I have been working on reducing portion sizes.  There's really not much else I can do short of starving myself, which will only cause my body to leach more nutrients from the bones and muscles that already have a hard time supporting me because I'm falling apart as such a young age. 

Sigh...
I am so tired of this battle, and there is no end in sight.       

11:40 am: preschool
The options:

Originally, we were planning to sign up Jamie for 4-yr-old preschool at Wilcox with the same teacher his sister (and father!) had. Then, we were told by his 3-yr-old preschool teacher that he was eligible for the star learners program, which is a government funded program, because of his special education status (for speech) and chronic illness (asthma). A program we don't need to pay for...not bad! Then we became aware of some physical issues he was having (visual-motor coordination mostly), and he was observed in his current preschool class by a PT, an OT, and one of the early childhood special education teachers and told that he also qualified for that program.  He will probably need more testing for the PT and OT in the fall to determine exactly what help he needs and how to approach that.

Now, we have to make a decision.  There is also the option of him doing starl earners int eh morning and special education preschool in the afternoon, but I don't know that he's ready for a full day (and week) of school yet.

The pros and cons:

Special education preschool -- 5 days a week, 1/2 days in the afternoon
pros: FREE; will be housed at the home school next year so both kids will be at the same school; transportation provided; individualized program; PT and OT and speech are integrated into the classroom; small classroom size and low child-adult ratio (12 kids and 1 teacher plus 2 aides).  Exposure to diversity is also a bonus, and the hubby pointed out that it might be nice to have him be one of the more mature children and learn some responsibility that way.
cons: Worry he may be too advanced for this program and not be stimulated enough (he's quite a smart boy and tests high). However, there are other children in there for just speech and language, so he would have others closer to his level (intellect-wise) even though most of the children would be much more developmentally challenged. 

Star learners -- 4 days a week (T-F) 1/2 days, choice of morning or afternoon
pros: also FREE; good program that is developmentally appropriate; good funding (unless the funding gets cut unexpectedly); diverse group of kids because there are lots of different ways to qualify
cons: different school building; no transportation provided; would have to be removed from class for speech and will have a different speech teacher; no PT or OT other than what is part of the preschool curriculum.

Regular 4-year-old preschool -- 3 days a week (M-W-F), 1/2 days in the mornings
pros: good program that is developmentally appropriate, complete with fun field trips; also housed at the home school so both children would be at the same school; he'd be in class with children he will go to elementary school with and can start making lasting friendships; we're familiar with the teachers and program because it's the same program Skylar attended; would retain same speech teacher he has now and can schedule times so he won't have to be taken out of class.
cons: we pay $1,263; no transportation; fewer days a week; no PT or OT except as part of the preschool curriculum.

And we have until 11am Monday (tomorrow) to decide, because that is when his IEP meeting is scheduled.  We just want him to be in the program that will be best for him.  One that is convenient for us is a bonus, but is not the most important consideration. 

Decisions, decisions....

01:40 pm: summer...sort of
I'm done with classes, mostly. I have one online class and a couple seminars, and one project that needs to be finished, and I am working at the counseling center one day each week until the kids are out of school, so I'm not completely done. BUT, no more driving to campus and trying to find parking and dragging my big book bag on rollers (which need WD-40, by the way) as I limp to class and sit there for 3 hours and limp out in worse shape than I entered. At least, not until Fall. And next year won't be quite as hectic, as I have decided to cut back to half time. I found that there is no way to do the full-time classes and field work and still have time for family, home, and self. So, home and self got put aside. I have spent the last week and a half trying to catch up on home stuff, and hurt myself in the process because as usual I did too much and now I'm paying for it, so I am currently mostly useless instead of just partly useless. So now I need to focus on the self part. Get back to PT and water walking, work on losing the weight I gained while in school not exercising and not watching what I eat as closely because of time constraints and grabbing what I could in the time I had, and seeing doctors to see if there is any help they can offer.

So, the summer plans include the aforementioned school work, spending time with the kids and hubby, getting back in better shape (as good as I get, anyway), training the dogs, doing what I can to get and keep the house and yard clean, a vacation to the UP with the family, and hopefully getting together with friends. Just hope my body cooperates...

10:47 am: Happy Easter???
Jamie is still sick in the hospital for the 4th day, and now Skylar is sick on the couch. This is *not* the Easter I had in mind. Last night Skylar and I left a note for the Easter bunny asking him to come back next week after Jamie is better...then she woke up this moring feeling yucky. Not nearly at the level of Jamie, but still. Now I just have to figure out how to be in two places at once so I can take care of both of my sick kids. Geesh!

10:07 am: Labrynthitis
So this weekend I came down with Labrynthitis, on top of the cold I've had for weeks that just won't go away. For those of you who have never heard of it (I hadn't before I had a nasty case about 10 years ago), it's a equilibrium problem. When I move my head, something in there thinks it's still moving after I've stopped moving, so I feel like I'm going to fall over. Similar to vertigo, but not exactly the same. It basically feels like motion sickness ALL THE TIME. I'm already not too steady on my feet, and this is not helping my coordination issues. Trying to dish up dinner and put leftovers into containers last night, I managed to *almost* get the stuff where I wanted it...and spilled some over the sides. Sigh...
This time doesn't seem as bad as last time, so I am hoping it will go away much faster. I'm taking the chance on gong to work (with extra antivert in the pocket just in case) and hoping I don't fall over walking clients down the hall.
Wish me luck!

11:42 am: let's talk about the weather...
okay, just a quick note on weather. I know many people are happy about the sudden rise in temperature. I am not one of them. Changing weather messes with my joints, which already have enough problems. Plus, warmer weather means the back yard is a muddy, poopy mess, which I have to wipe off my dogs feet every time they come in...and they are stir crazy, which means they want to come in and go oue every 20 minutes. Between the dogs and the kid wanting my attention every second, I am not getting my work done for class this afternoon. ARGH!!!

01:11 pm: dog training
Any suggestions for training a dog not to eat our shoes? This has gotten ridiculous.

09:56 am: cleaning house
I would like my home to be clean and healthy...and less cluttered so I can get a bit more organized. I don't feel like I am able to do that currently. part of it is pain. part of it is not having the right stuff. mostly, it's not having time. There are a list of things that I want, which makes me feel rather materialistic, cuz we don't actually *need* these things. However, they would make it easier to keep the house clean and organized, and healthier.

Problem is, these all cost money. Which is something I am not making but am using a whole lot, what with tuition and books and day care and all that. So I hesitate to even mention this cuz I don't want to further stress the money-maker of the house. I have an interview next week for a part-time job, and am currently the top candidate. If I get it, I will feel much better about spending money without bringing any in. I wish I could make enough to let the hubby quit the day job, but I don't see that happening unless I give up the MSW program and get a full-time job. Sigh....

Here is my home wish list:
1. A new vaccuum cleaner. One that is really good at picking up pet hair and deep dirt, is light so it won't hurt me to use it, has all the needed attachments for doing furniture and stairs and such, and works really, really well...lots of suction, allergy filters and all that good stuff. Know of a vaccuum cleaner like this? Our current vaccuum only works so so. I'd like to keep it downstairs to clean up all the litter the cats scatter everywhere so I don't have to haul it up and down the stairs.

2. A nice computer desk with places for the computer, keyboard, printer and scanner so we actually have work space, with a hutch that we can eventually build shelves around and have a whole office-wall-thing so we can keep everything organized instead of in piles everywhere. And so I can move my desk downstairs and have a way to organize all the craft/sewing stuff and a place to actually use my sewing machine (once I learn how).

3. A bathtub that is easier to keep clean, and has more places to keep the shower stuff. We did the tubliner thing at the old house so we didn't have to keep cleaning the grout between tiles and such, and then moved into a house that has the same set-up. My body doesn't get in the positions necessary to keep it clean.

4. A newer furnace with better air filtering and a built-in humidifier. This dry winter air sucks and makes lots of dust.

5. New carpet for the living room, hall, steps, and bedrooms. These carpets are badly stained, and have had way more pet and kid spills and bodily functions cleaned off them than I want to admit. They are gross.

6. a vaccuum pad that the cats have to walk over when coming out of the litter pan that will suck all the loose particles of litter off their feet (and butts) before they can track it all over the house. I really hate that. Someone so needs to invent this.

of course, if I'm going to start wishing for things that haven't been invented, I will wish for a self-cleaning house ;-)

06:54 pm: shoe fetish
yup. the new doggy definitely has a shoe fetish. the hubby and kids came home to shoes strewn all over the house...even my big winter boots...and several had holes in them. And this was after I had made sure the shoes were all put away on the shoe racks. Dork dog! guess the not crating experiment isn't going so well. Sigh....

12:02 pm: wish me luck
I applied for a part-time job where I'm currently doing my internship. I'd be doing the same job I'm doing now (plus a few more hours), only I'd have an office where I would have access to a computer and a therapy room anytime I needed it without having to scramble to try to get a decent space to work, and I'd be getting paid!!! WooHoo! I don't know if I'll get it, but I already know the job, so they'd save a lot of time on training. I really hope I get it. If not, there's still plan A -- the MSW, which I would still finish even if I got the job, because it is a more marketable degree and who knows what the future will bring. I'd go down to half time next year and take classes while working for a year and do my second internship the next year. At least that's the plan if this all works out. I'm hopeful, but trying not to get too hopeful, if you know what I mean. I'm trying not to set myself up for a huge disappointment.

Anyway.... Wish me luck!

11:47 am: doggy news
2 weeks ago, we brought home a dog from animal control. Her name is Jasmine, and she's so cute! I'll post pictures when I figure out how (not so much a techy-type person). I wasn't planning on getting another dog so soon, but Willow was so depressed after Becka was gone. She barely ate, she didn't play, and all she wanted to do was cuddle and sleep. She's a pack dog and wants to have a friend.

Jasmine is a mutt...probably has some miniature collie and some shepherd, and who knows what else. She is the same size as Willow (about 28 pounds), about a year adn a half old, black and tan, very loving and likes to give kisses (in the mouth, usually...yuck!). She's also very playful and after she mostly healed from getting spayed, she and Willow have been playing, playing, playing! I love to see that! She came home with kennel cough, so she was on antibiotics with steriods, which made her pee in the house several times. We crated her for the first week and a half, but she's mostly lose now and hasn't had an accident since Friday, even when left alone in the house for 8 hours on Monday. Unfortunately, she is a chewer. She chews on everything. And she seems to be obsessed with footwear. So far, she has chewed on Skylar's slippers (both while she was wearing them and taking them out of her room), one of Jim's slippers, and both of my water shoes. And several plastic toys and stuffed animals. I'm not too happy about that part. And she barks. she's definitely got the watch-dog thing going. Irritating. She is starting to learn the ropes around here, but needs some manners! She tries to eat everyone's food...hers, Willow's, and anything else within her reach. Sigh....

But so far she seems to be making Willow happier. We just need to keep working on training.

In sadder news, I got a renewal notice for Becka's rabies and license today :'-(

11:02 am: Becka-Boo
Becka never woke up from her surgery this morning. She was full of liver cancer and bleeding into her abdomen. My poor, sweet Becka! I am so sad that I didn't get to say good-bye. We had no idea it was this bad...she was fine until last weekend. I so wish I could have brought her home yesterday and spent her last day lavishing her with love. I mean, I did that morning while she was being examined, but then she was alone in the kennel for about 20 hours waiting for the surgery. I miss her. Willow misses her...she doesn't know what to think about this, but she is not happy that Becka didn't come home with me yesterday. Skylar doesn't know yet. She was just saying this morning how different it is around here without her and that she hoped she could come home today. Me too. I was not prepared for this. I have to somehow manage to numb myself before having to deal with clients this afternoon. Maybe it will help to focus on other people's troubles for a few hours.

I will miss you, Becka-Boo. You were a great dog, and you brought joy to my life every day. I'm glad we were able to give you almost 4 happy years with us.

12:34 pm: Becka
We noticed over the weekend that Becka wasn't moving as well as usual. Yesterday my monther-in-law noted that she looked like she was gaining weight, and last night Her stomach looked very swollen. She wasn't interested in her dinner last night, which is unheard of for her. She threw up all over the living room last night...9 times, leaving a trail from spot to spot.
So this morning I brought her in to the vet. Two blood draws later, her white count was very high, she's anemic, she has a fever, and her abdomen has...troubles. X-rays showed what could be some kind of foreign body, and also what could be a mass...in two different places. I had to leave her there to get antibiotics and they will operate on her either tonight or tomorrow. My poor puppy...she's almost 5 years old, but still my sweet puppy. I hope she's going to be okay...at this point they have no idea what is going on in there. I want them to do this the safest way, which is why they are trying to get the infection under control before opening her up, but I also want this over with as soon as possible. How am I going to function at work tomorrow if I am worried about my dog?

Jamie was not happy about leaving Becka there. I wasn't either, but I was trying to be strong so he didn't get too upset (he keeps asking about why Marley died (as in Marley and Me) and why Sammy died (when he was a tiny baby, so I don't know how much he'll obsess about a dog he actually knows and loves). Skylar is at school and doesn't know yet, but she knows I was worried about Becka. Sigh. This is not going to be a fun day. what a thing to happen on my husband's big book day.

01:40 pm: one of those days
We got a late start this morning...trying to make sure Skylar was ready for the day, writing a note to excuse her from outdoor recess and gym to protect her very sore nose, doing Jamie's mask to help with the coughing that kept us all up most of the night (also did it in the middle of the night and spent much of the night rocking). GOt everyone ready to go a little late, dropped Skylar off and left to bring Jamie to preschool so I could go to work to call clients about issues that came up while I was out last week, and got a flat tire. Luckily, the inlaws live a block from the school, so I pulled in and called AAA and waited for 15 minutes for a live person, was told someone would be there in about 45 minutes. Tried to keep a 3-year-old entertained and warm as the temp dropped over 10 degrees from when we left that morning, and got a call from the towing company sent to help me (right at the 45 minute time estimate) telling me they had just received the call and it would be another 30 minutes or so. Luckily, my husband got ahold of my father-in-law (my cell battery had died by that time) and he came home briefly to rescue us and let us in the house for the last half hour of waiting. that worked much better. The actual tire change took about 5 minutes (and of course they arrived just as I was going to the bathroom). So Jamie missed preschool, and instead got dragged to my office so I could make a couple phone calls. Sigh....

But, he was so good and so cute, he got rewarded with McDonald's for lunch. All the stuff I had planned to do while he was at school is left to be done, however. Oh well. At least we're home now, where it's warm. And later, I get to drag him out again to get the tire fixed. That should be fun, too; but at least I'll be prepared this time!

02:02 pm: The End
Of one semester, anyway. Only three more to go (head hits desk)... but I won't think about that now. I am currently coming in to work 2 days a week to keep up with clients, and I am finally able to breathe. I have done two intakes in two days, and had all the paperwork done within 2 hours after each. My work really is so much better when I'm not trying to balance too many things at once. Balancing work and home seems doable. I am no longer bursting into tears because I can't keep up with it all and forgetting every other thing I need to do. Come January when school is back in session, I'll once again be a basket case. But until then, I will enjoy a month of relative calm.

And last weekend I finally made some progress on cleaning my house, which has been terribly neglected since I started school. As have my poor puppies. I so wish I could take them for walks. It would be great exercise for them and a stress reliever for me...if only I could make it more than half-way around the block and still be able to move afterward. Sigh....

My little girl is having her adnoids taken out tomorrow. She's scared, but I really hope that this will help her breathe better and sleep better. She's been so tired lately. And we're also hoping this will help with all the aches and pains she keeps getting. Or maybe she is just turning into her mama. Poor girl! I really don't want her to go through that.

And hopefully, she'll be up for going to see GREASE with me this weekend! We love watching the movie together, so we are excited about seeing the musical, but I worry that she won't be up to it or will be too miserable to enjoy it. The timing here kinda stinks.

By the way, I have an idea for my new LJ username, so soon this journal will be defunct and a new one will be started. I'll do a friends-locked post telling you where to find me and send an email to those who don't have LJ accounts. I just don't want it to be so easy to find me. Boundaries are good.

05:17 pm: stuff
Okay. I am considering getting rid of this username and making a new one. There are things I'd like to post that I don't feel comfortable doing because I don't want certain people (okay, mainly one certain person) to find it, and using my real name is too easy to find. But I don't like friends-locking, because I only have a few LJ friends who read this, and most aren't on LJ. certain people suck!

anyway, I fell down the stairs at my brother's this weekend, so I'm especially sore this week. between that and the kids assorted ailments, it's been a stressful week, and I have decided that I need a vacation. Not in a few weeks when classes are over and after I finsih my 3 final papers and 2 final exams, but NOW NOW NOW!

doesn't help that one of those aforementioned kid health problems is resulting in a surgery the day before my birthday (and 2 days before seeing Grease at the Wharton enter ;).

Sigh...at least my clients cooperated by not showing up today. Of course, maybe that says something about me....

01:43 pm: here we go again....
So Jamie is sick. Again. He was semi-healthy with just a minor cough and the diarrhea prett-much gone for 3 days, so it was time, right? It's that damn cough again, the wheezing, and this time is is accompanied by a stuffy nose, which forces him to breathe through his mouth, which makes him cough. Let's just say we've had a couple sleepless nights around here. I'm getting to the point that I dread Wednesdays...it always seems to start on Wednesday. And when he doesn't feel well and isn't sleeping enough, he's cranky and short-tempered, which leads to lots of melt-downs and fits over every little thing, and apparantly some not okay behavior toward other kids at day care, which he has never done before. Sigh.... I really want to figure out why he keeps getting sick. I know we have appointments, but I want to know NOW NOW NOW!!! I want to know if there is something we can do to prevent this...aside from me quitting the program and taking him out of daycare so he's not exposed to quite so much stuff. It's just not fair...the poor kid is sick more often than not, and we are going nuts trying to do all we need to do and take care of him, too.

Okay. I need to get to my paper, due on Monday. So far I've got a title page with a lame title and one paragragh of text written. The boy is falling asleep in his lunch, so if he takes a much-needed nap, maybe I'll get something done. Or maybe I'll take a nap with him.

08:51 am: sick kids
So Jamie is sick again. It started last Wednesday with the nasty cough, and Friday I took him in because he had a fever and wasn't eating or drinking. The doc thought he had strep and put him on antibiotics. Turns out he didn't have strep, just a bad virus that caused the very sore throat and bad coughing fits. So we've been nebulizing him again, and I missed my Monday morning class because he was still coughing so badly that he was puking. We decided to stop giving him milk products because they produce more mucus that makes the coughing worse, and he started getting better. He went to school on Wednesday, and that night came down with an intestinal virus and was up with bowel troubles every 20 minutes *all*night*long*. And also most of the next day. So I didn't go into work on Thursday morning. He started to get dehydrated and lethargic, and I kept pushing pedialyte...I think the doc telling him if he didn't drink it he'd have to go to the hospital and get needles started him drinking, so he stayed on the borderline of needing IV fluids. Then daddy came home because I needed to go to work in the afternoon, so we did the tag-team approach. Finally overnight it slowed down...only 3 times in the middle of the night, and 4 this morning. His color is starting to come back, and he's actually playing a bit, so he's out of the danger zone. Sigh... I am so tired!

He was supposed to have his sweat test today, which obviously wasn't going to happen, so I had to reschdule that for the first week in November. He's scheduled with the immunologist, but that isn't until the second week in November. I want to know what's going on with my boy! I know both his daddy and I got sick a lot as kids, so it may just be bad genes. But this is ridiculous! Since starting school, this poor kid is spending more than half of his days sick. He's missed as many speech clases as he's had so far because of the coughing. Whenever I have the opportunity for a wish I always wish for the same thing...for my family to be happy and healthy. Maybe wishes don't work for someone who doesn't actually believe in the superstitions behind them. I guess I just keep praying and hope he grows out of it much faster than I did. Or that they figure out why he gets sick so much and it's treatable. What worries me is that there is something wrong and it isn't treatable. I just want my kids to be healthy. Is that so much to ask?

11:25 am: Falling...
Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the more moderate temperatures, I love the smell of it, I even love the leaves crunching under my feet. I usually feel more serene and contemplative, less frantic. Lately, however, Fall has begun to fail me.

I have recently noticed a pattern (when a pattern comes in years, it takes a while to realize that it is a pattern). For the last 3 years in a row, my pain has gotten worse in October. After Jamie was born, the knees started to go to crap. In October they got to the point where I couldn't walk normally any more, and I had to see the orthopedic surgeon. Then there were 5 surgeries over the next year and a half...the worst of those surgries was in October of the following year...the one that had me on crutches and unable to drive for NINE MONTHS. Then the final surgery the next August and I was doing a little better...but then in October of last year, my back gets really bad again. Over the spring and summer the pain went up and down, but eventually was fairly stable at my baseline level (which is still higher than it used to be, but it wasn't as bad as it was in the winter). Now it's October again, and my pain is once again getting worse. Part of it is the change in lifestyle...working and school tax the body in different ways than doing the at-home stuff exclusively. My back is bad and staying bad, and my knees are getting worse. I am relying on my cane more and more and very obviously limping more and more. What is it about October?

02:35 pm: head spinning...
So, I've been spending the day trying to catch up on all the cleaning, laundry, schoolwork, emails and LJ that I have been neglecting all week due to my new crazy schedule. Had to wake Jamie and drive Skylar to school, cuz everything took twice as long this morning since she can't use her arm (she pulled something at soccer last night and is very sore). Finally got the sink and dishes clean when I realized it was time to take Jamie to his doc appt. Took him in, everything looks great, and the doc cleverly figured outa way to get him to let her check his ears without the kicking and screaming. Not quite so lucky with the flu shot. Or the blood draw we did after that (screenings for immune stuff). He did great, so after picking up some doggie deoderizer at the pet store (Willow is a stink-roller and I ran out), we went to McD's to see if they had a Batman Lego toy he didn't already have...they did. Then we went to the store to get a couple groceries (out of milk again). Then it was speech class for Jamie, where I use the time to make a packing list for me and the kids for the weekend, and some notes for grandma and grandpa who are graciously taking the kids so I can go to my grandfather's funeral and Jim can go to his con. Then lunch for me and Jamie while I try again to catch up on stuff. Then Jamie to Kathy's, who is watching him so I can get all this stuff done (instead, I'm writing a post...but I needed to get my head to stop spinning!). On the way back, I saw a rummage sale with lots of kids stuff out...I stopped by and came away with some cool toys very cheap. Than back home to start working on all the stuff again. Realized as I was packing my meds for the trip that I was in need of a refill and called it in, which reminded me that I needed to call for Jamie's sweat test, which will be in 2 weeks. Oh crap...I just remembered I need to email my supervisor at work...hold on.

Okay I'm back...now where was I? Oh yeah. I have to pack for me and the kids, get dinner started, pick up Skylar from school and Jamie from the sitter, pick up my prescription, do more laundry, and I still have to write up my assignment for Monday. And I'm leaving at about 6pm this evening, getting a ride up with my brother and his wife. Oh, and I should probably get a shower before I go because we're not going to get there until about 2am and have to be at the funeral home before 10am.

Okay. Now for the mad dash...wish me luck!